Claire has just forwarded this to me. It took me about 10 minutes to read it as I was laughing so much I couldn't see the text for the tears rolling down my face.
Warning, if you read this as work, you're likely to get some very strange looks when people notice you laughing and crying at the same time.
My night began as any other normal week night. Finish laundry, fix dinner, have a glass of wine, e-mail the grandkids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours. 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet before I go to bed'
So I headed to the site of my demise 'the bathroom'. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax...all you do is just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or whatever else) and you pull the hair right off. No muss, no fuss....how hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I can follow directions and I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK !?!) So I pull one of the thin strips out. It's two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius 'kicks in' so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. (Cold wax, 'Yeah right') I Lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull.
IT WORKS! :) O.K., so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't tooooo bad. I can do this, I say to myself with a proud smile. Hair removal no longer eludes me! I am SHE-RA, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of the smooth skin (Extraordinaire)! With my next strip I move north. I prep for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet. Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretch down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip). I inhale deeply and brace myself.......RRRRRRRIIIIIIIPPPPP!!!
I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!! OH MY OH MY!!! Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half of the Strip. CRAP! Another deep breath and RIPP!
Everything is spinning and spotted with bright stars. I think I may pass out...
MUST Stay CONSCIOUS... MUST Stay...
Do I hear crashing drums???
Breathe, breathe ____ _______ ______
O.K. ... Back to normal!
I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip! There is NO hair on it!!! Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX ?????
Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip... IT'S NOT! I touch... I am touching wax. I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. I found the Hair... I found the WAX!!! Then I make the next BIG mistake... remember my foot is still propped up on the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down. Sealed shut!!! My butt is sealed shut!!! SEALED SHUT !@!#*! (not even air can get in there)! I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself: 'PLEASE - PLEASE don't let me get the urge to poop!... My head may pop off!'
What can I do to melt the wax? WHAT MELTS WAX? My brain is scrambling. HOT WATER!!! Hot water melts wax. I'll run the hottest water I can stand into the bathtub... Get in. I immerse the wax covered parts and the wax should just melt and then I can gently wipe it off, right? Yeah that will work!
I get in the tub, the water is slightly hotter than that used to torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit. Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub... in scalding hot water!!! Which, by the way doesn't melt cold wax!!!
So - now, I am stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!!! God bless my adult kids who had convinced me a few months ago to bring my cell phone everywhere, even to the bathroom!!!! I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter... 'So my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub! There is a slight pause... she doesn't know any secret tricks for hair removal under water but she does try to hide her laughter from me. She wants to know exactly where the wax is located. She says are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?' She is laughing out loud by now... I can hear her!!! There is no shame in her disregard for my pain ...she is rolling over with laughter. I wait. I give her the run down and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box. YEAH!!! Right!!! I say. I should be the joke of someone else's night. While we go through various possible solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor.
NOTHING feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in cold wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub, in scalding hot water, and then - try dry shaving the sticky wax off!!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I am pretty sure I am going to need 'Post Traumatic Stress' counselling for this event. My friend is still talking with me and then I finally see my saving grace... THE BOX... the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax!
What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY -- OH - OH MOMMASITTA !!@*! The scream probably woke my husband and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's soooo painful, but I really don't care. It feels like an earthquake is forcing my flesh apart.
IT WORKS!!! It works!!! I get a hearty congratulations from my friend and she hangs up laughing while trying to sound soulfully sincere. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair... THE HAIR IS STILL THERE... ALL OF IT!!! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.
Next week I'm going to try hair colour...